Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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