The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
