I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
