just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
