Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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