Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
where does the pee come out of this thing
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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