I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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