All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
