wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
