So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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