im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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