How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize