so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
