She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
