you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
