Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
