Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
