Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
