how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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