I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
