At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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