Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
