her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your penis caused this!
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