I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
