new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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