dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
