The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
