Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
