Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
