you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
