I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
