he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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