I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just pee around me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
