He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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