tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
