do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
