All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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