wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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