yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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