My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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