it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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