Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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