Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
