That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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