Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
