Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
