Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize