She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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