The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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