Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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