I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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