Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
