Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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