I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize