i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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