Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
