Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize