i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
