So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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