i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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