Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
