Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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