i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
