I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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