Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
