dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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